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Toxic love: 10 characteristics of impossible couples
Relationships are not always easy and, in fact, conflicts are common; They can arise at any time and from the smallest details.
Each member of the relationship has his ideas and his way of understanding the world and life, and it is not always easy to understand the position of the other. However, with love and mastery of a series of social skills, as well as with a good dose of resilience and negotiation skills, the relationship can be successful.
On certain occasions, however, being in a couple can be a real hell, because toxic love makes it impossible for things to go well. Toxic relationships have the characteristic that at least one member of the relationship has totally inappropriate behaviors and attitudes. If you want to know more about this type of relationship, you can read this article: “23 signs that you have a‘ toxic relationship 'as a couple”.
Today we will talk about this love that causes so much suffering and we will deepen in each of its characteristics.
You may be interested: "We raffle 5 copies of the book" Psychologically Speaking "!"
Types of love: toxic love Not all loves are equal. We can find authentic loves, which are pure and noble, those that are difficult to find. Authentic love is a love that is based on trust, respect and freedom. There are also other types of love, such as passion, characterized by great physical attraction but little commitment.
Now, there are also loves that are stormy, if they can be called love, in which jealousy, lack of freedom, excessive control predominate. This type of love is toxic love, a love that, in most cases, lives on dependence and illusion with nothing to support it.
And it is that love is a certainly complex issue, so many theorists have tried to address it and understand it, not always with consensus. One of the theorists best known for their contributions in understanding this phenomenon is Sternberg. This author is famous for making a classification of the different types of love. His Triangular Theory of love proposes that there are three elements that interact with each other to form one type or another of love. These elements are: intimacy, passion and commitment. For example, the love that is formed by the three elements is consummate love.
You can learn more about his theory in the following article: "Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love"
Characteristics of toxic love But what characteristics does toxic love have? What makes a love cause suffering? You can find the answers to these questions in the following lines:
1. Limited social life Toxic love is characterized in that the person neglects all his friendships and turns purely and exclusively in the relationship. This might seem like an act of love, but in reality it is a loss of autonomy.
The person stops frequenting the places he used to frequent, neglects his interests, neglects old friends and, in short, stops being himself and loses his own essence. This can overwhelm the couple and also makes the person stop being attractive.
2. Need for love approval The lover who gives a pure love fights for his personal development and expects nothing from the couple, because he is happy with his life. Toxic love, on the other hand, is characterized because the individual seeks security, stability, comfort in the relationship. This is due to a great fear of being alone and a great insecurity. They are individuals with low self-confidence.
In highly dysfunctional love relationships, the need to receive emotionally charged treatment can lead people to be slaves of behaviors that harm them. The establishment of relationship dynamics in which power is held only by a member of the couple, for example, is as common as it is harmful, and it is not always easy to detect. In fact, if others call attention to the symptoms of this problem, the person who suffers it usually denies everything abruptly, sometimes with anger.
Therefore, professional advice usually has value not only for the intervention, but also for the accompaniment in the hard process of recognizing the problem.
3. Emotional dependence This insecurity makes the person feel a great emotional dependence, because their happiness depends on other individuals. This becomes a problematic situation and causes addiction to the couple even though things between the two members are not going well.
If you identify yourself with this point and want to overcome this situation, I invite you to read this article: “12 tips to overcome emotional dependence”
4. Obsession with the relationship All these factors cause the person to become obsessed with the relationship, so that he does not let the couple breathe. Nor does it carry out healthy behaviors that help maintain the stability of the relationship. For example, do not negotiate or respect the other. Thus it is impossible for the couple or marriage to move forward.
5. It is irrational and unrealistic Unlike what could happen in a mature and authentic love, rational and realistic love, that is, in which the person is aware of what he is living and not only feels but also thinks, the Toxic love is a purely irrational love in the most negative sense that this can have, because it lives on illusion and unreal expectations. For a love to work, it must be mature.
Related article: "Mature love: why is the second love better than the first?"
6. Concern for change In authentic love the individual is happy when things are going well for his partner and wants it to grow and develop. He is not afraid of change, because as a person he also fights for his personal interests, without forgetting, of course, those of the relationship. The same does not happen with toxic love, since the person who suffers it wants everything to be under their control. He does not care about the happiness of the other, only his.
7. Is possessive A healthy love is based on trust between the two members of the couple, is based on freedom of choice. However, toxic love is quite the opposite, because it is possessive. The individual needs to keep the couple under control at all times and know what he is doing and where he is going.
7. It is manipulative In toxic love, unfortunately, emotional blackmail and manipulation are common. This occurs because the person is selfish, does not respect the other and acts in accordance with their interests.
His way of acting is to blame, intimidate and cause fear to his partner. It doesn't have to be physically, just use expressions like: "If you leave me, you don't love me." In this way, the other member of the couple feels guilty about what is happening.
You may be interested: "Emotional blackmail: a powerful form of manipulation in the couple"
8. Try to change the other person When one member of the couple tries to change the other to an excessive degree, then we are talking about a toxic love. If love is authentic and mature, the individual loves his partner as he is. On the other hand, if it is toxic, it will prompt you to change something, for example, your physical appearance.
9. Blame the other Healthy relationships are based on negotiation. People take their share of guilt when a problem occurs and are empathic enough to understand others. In toxic relationships, one of the two always tries to blame the other. There is no room for negotiation, because the toxic lover always thinks he is right.
10. Makes suffering Love must not cause suffering, because when this occurs it is not authentic love. If the love is true, the relationship is symmetrical: one day gives one and the next gives the other member of the couple. Obviously there may be misunderstandings and discussions, but they are solved in a mature way. The question is simple: Does this love make you suffer? If the answer is yes, then it is a toxic love.

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